first off, happy new year.
basically, the title says most of what this post's gonna be about. so if you can't stand me being a whiny prick i suggest you leave. now.
so to tell the truth, i haven't been able to see the bright side of things because my headspace right now's telling me "it'll last for awhile but whatcha got after that? nothing."
the things that used to make me excited and revert me to a hysterical 5 year old in happiness now only make me smile. all i wanna do is sit in the dark listening to LeATHERMOUTH and the Amity Affliction and Breaking Benjamin and all the "angry" music to make me feel better but I'm not allowed to do anything that i haven't been told to do.
it feels like it anyway.
i wanted to wear my favourite Japanese shirt today but my mum forced me to change into a shirt i hated because she "just washed that shirt and i haven't worn this shirt in ages and people are gonna think we're poor and can't afford different clothes".
it pisses me off when my mum says stuff like that because i feel like she's using the real life situation of someone in the world as an excuse to get what she wants.
almost like she's treating the fact that somewhere, there's someone who can't afford food or clothes and who is homeless as a fucking joke.
i look at all this money people waste for stupid things like botox and plastic surgery, and all this money big companies use for pointless things like fancy advertising and i can't help but loath the fact that these people care more about themselves than they do others.
they could've donated a little of that money to charity or something because there's so many people in this fucked up world who need food and shelter more than they do a giant picture of Kim Kar-fucking-dashian's ugly face and half naked body on the side of a fucking bus.
some people are gonna think I'm a whiny prick but it's more than that, trust me. i physically feel so drained and angry and i wanna scream but i feel like I'm in some kinda unbreakable invisible cage that i can't get out of.
and if i break I'm paranoid people are gonna physically hurt me.
it happened once before, I've been threatened with it again so who's to say I'm safe in a world where everything can kill you within a second?
basically i feel like there's no safe place i can go.
no-one i can talk to who can get me help and not all the doctors in Australia can figure out why I'm so fucking sick.
i hear things in my head i see things that aren't there and never will be and i can't control my temper so i wish my mum would hurry up and take me to a psychiatrist like she said she would or i may as well just see if all the pills in the house will take away this fucking pain.
death isn't a way out, not that I'm suicidal or anything but sometimes i wish i could go into an induced coma and wake up in maybe 5 years when things are different and my head and stomach stop hurting.
or if people left me alone maybe i wouldn't be like this.
i don't mean completely alone, more like, when I'm pissed and listening to LeATHERMOUTH while sitting in a corner at Target I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't fucking stare at me like I'm the most fascinating thing in the world.
or, when I'm listening to Breaking Benjamin and trying hard as hell not to completely loose it and start crying, don't get all up in my face with your best fake smile hiding your disgust at my anger and ask in a sugar voice "whatcha listening to? can i hear?" and help yourself to an earphone.
my mum thinks that i can find out the reason why I'm angry every single time i loose it and she's so fucking happy to blame anything and everything except herself for my anger. not that she is the reason but whenever i know the reason for my anger, she denies it and I've learnt to keep my mouth shut because no one listens to what i have to say.
and in a moment of honesty:
i wanna go live inside my head.
where i have friends who are just like me.
where i can fucking cry without anyone judging me.
where i can play the happy angry music as loud as i want.
where i can do whatever i want without any physical or mental pain.
where there's always a shoulder to lean on and someone to hug me tighter than anything.
where it doesn't hurt so much and i can let 6 months of internal self-suffering all out in a second.
i want it to go away.
what can't it go away?
because the demons are me.
I'm the demons.
we're the same person.
we're in the same body
i can't get away from them.
and it'll stay that way until the cage goes away.
because the cage people think are keeping me safe are keeping me inside with the exact thing i know is gonna kill me.
the demons are nice and pretty and they gave me a new pair of eyes to see the world with but i want my old ones back.
the only way i can fix this is to throw money at it but I'm completely broke.
everything in this world, I've been taught, can be fixed with money.
money can apparently fix the problem i have with me.
money can apparently fix the problem in Africa.
and money can apparently fix the problem with whatever situation you're in.
but you know what?
it can't.
we've been lied to.
all these years.
I'm sick of it.
so fucking sick.
and I'm not gonna take their shit anymore.
I'm still angry
but this is a new kind of angry.
one i intend to use for making the bastards listen to me
and you.
because this world that we've fucked up so very nicely is slowly rotting away.
this is for the kids who don't have a home
this is for the kids who live with demons only other demon children can see.
this is for the kids who are so fucking angry they wanna disappear
this is for the kids who are just like me.
so can you lend me a hand?
and never accept the presents a demon gave you.
hey :) i know it can feel as though nothing makes you happy anymore or the things that you loved as a younger child don't impress you as much.. but that's what happens, we grow out of things we used to love. when anything good happens, write it down on a sticky note and put it in a jar.. then when you're feeling a little bit sad or angry you can look through those sticky notes at all the good times you've had just so you don't feel as bad.. i used to do that :) if listening to leathermouth and the amity affliction and breaking benjamin helps you calm down then listen to it with your earphones in. maybe your mum doesnt want you to waste the shirts that she bought for you but you never wore or maybe she thinks it looks good on you. there are some celebrities who donate money.. kim kardashian donates money and clothes and i think paris hilton does too. although it does make me a little bit angry when people spend all their money on plastic surgery to make them look "prettier" when there are better causes to spend their money on.. don't worry renee, your mum will take you to a psychiatrist or a psychologist and they will help you find out what's wrong. they may not completely fix everything but they can help you. ignore the people that stare at you, they might just be curious to see what you're doing or wondering if you're alright if you're not with your parents. cry if you want to, i won't judge you. crying doesnt make you weak. well, the reason why i don't let people hug me.. is because i get bruises on my back whenever someone hugs me too tight. i don't even know why.. i just get bruises. sometimes we all feel as though we want to live somewhere else, where we won't be judged, with peace and no war.. everyone feels that way in some point in time.. if you have problems, you can talk to me.. i know i don't always help that much but sometimes letting it all out can help :)
ReplyDeletei'm so sorry hun, i know how you feel. you are a beautiful person, don't you dare let anyone tell you otherwise. it always makes me sad when the first thing people recommend for people who are "different" or depressed or whatever, is institutional help. pills may help symptoms but they don't solve the problems. i think what helped me most is talking to my family about my depression and laying it all out for them. i mean, yeah, my counselor helps a lot, but he's not prescribing medication or anything, he just kinda helps me figure out what the problem is and how to deal with it in a healthy way. and i think that's more preferable than going straight for the medication; better to figure out what the issue is first. i'm starting to tear up a bit now 'cause you're so lovely and i hate to hear about you being in pain. don't give up hope, you're strong, and things will get better, i promise you that. stay beautiful, and keep it ugly!
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