shit happened yesterday

right. just when i think i got rid of the voices in my head, they come back. shit. 

yesterday we were supposed to be buying new shoes for school in Westfield. i was kinda hungry, mum didn't let me go get food because she thought i was lying, so that kinda pissed me off since i forgot to have breakfast and all i had for lunch was what probably was the world's smallest sushi roll. 

i started listening to the music on my phone to kinda get my head away from my stomach and my mum's angry ranting on how we should've come earlier to buy shoes since all the places were packed when i started hearing someone call my name. it sounded like it was coming from above me so i looked up, no one was there calling for me. then the voice started coming again, beside me, below me, to the right, to the left and then guess what? i realised it was one of the voices in my head again. 

which both sucked and petrified me. 

i don't think you'd know how scary it is to be able to hear a voice calling "Renee, look up i'm over here! Renee! Renee! are you blind? Renee come on i'm over here!" over and over again.

i wanted to freak out or start talking to the voice to ask it to go away but i ended up ignoring it which was a horrible move. the calling started getting more frequent and annoying/scary-sounding and out of god knows where i started hearing the song Second and Sebring in the background of the voice. 

it was the "This is not what it is only baby scars" part but it sounded like someone else's voice, not Austin Carlile's singing and whoever was singing it in my head made it sound like they were choking and screaming the words underwater or something. needless to say i almost snapped. but i didn't. i just put my poker face on and acted like i was checking out the sports shoes on the shelves in front of me. 

then, last night i got into an argument with my mum and made the mistake of listening to Second and Sebring again to make myself feel better. no surprise the voice came back and started screaming "THIS IS NOT WHAT IS IS ONLY BABY SCARS. I NEED YOUR LOVE, LIKE A BOY NEEDS HIS MOTHER'S SIDE." i ended up crying without making any noises, kinda like how in the movies the actor is just sitting there with their mouths open and their eyes wide and the only thing moving is the tears coming out of their eyes. that. 

it was horrifying. like the worst kind of horror movie only you're the one making it and you're the one that's in it. but you can't control it. 

i already told my mum about the voices and she promised that she'd take me to a doctor but she's so far completely ignored it. it was the first time i heard the voices again in awhile but it still scared the shit out of me because in the background of the night time episode i could hear so many people talking about bad things i don't even wanna try and remember. i didn't really get much sleep that night. no surprise there. 

let's just see how long i can go without loosing it. then mum will have to care. fuck. everyone cares when you force them to don't they? there should be at least one place i can go to without being judged but unfortunately there's not. only in my happy place in my head when i can get around the voices. i'm tired and sick of it. it sucks, it's horrible whatever you want to say. it just is. so fuck. i'm sick of it. go away leave me alone fuck fuck fuck. go away.