when it comes to fire, i know everything. i know what kind of oil makes it burn brighter, stronger, which ones make it flare then die down and etcetera. i know how to make a match burn quick with no fuel other than the match and i've burned myself horribly in the process a million times to know what to do. so it kinda pisses me off that my sister suddenly wants to burn everything in sight, making the house smell like shit by burning stuff like newspapers and sheets of printing with ink on it and me getting blamed for it. and on top of that she boasts about it at school and acts like she's different and special or something. burning things and playing with fire, to me, is an art form. if she's gonna use oil as a fuel, i'd very much appreciate that she DOESN'T USE LAVENDER OIL BECAUSE THAT STUFF STINKS and when she blows out the candle, direct the smoke towards the window so that the smell doesn't get trapped inside.
we had this lockdown procedure today as a drill for if a gun-wielding mass-murderer ever tries to come into the school and what happened was that we had to close the blinds, turn off the lights and crawl under the tables. i was stuck with lia, marie, yvonne and anna under 6 tables. the way that the tables are arranged makes it so that there's this one big table of 6 people and i was under the tables with them. most of the girls were talking which really pissed me off because chances are, if Ms H hadn't told us it was a drill, they still wouldn't have taken it seriously. we had science next period and i found out that my science teacher taught my sister's class during the period with the lockdown so i asked whether she freaked or stayed calm or whatever and Ms M just said "your sister was on her laptop the whole time." needless to say it kinda irritated me how when we got home all my sister could say was that all the other girls were taking pictures of their friends and stuff during the lockdown and how much it apparently annoyed her.
marie almost got a blood infection. kinda made me sad so i tied up her bandages during 5th period. what happened is that she had mild eczema, scratched it and got dirt in it or something during her baseball practise and it got infected. i have eczema myself so i understand completely when she said that scratching is like a temporary relief until it starts burning. ALTHOUGH FOR ME IT'S MORE LIKE IF I DON'T PUT MEDICINE ON MYSELF EVERY SINGLE DAY ON ALMOST EVERY PART OF MY BODY IT FEELS LIKE I AM CONSTANTLY ON FIRE. but then again i do like fire so i guess that's ok.
also i think my fear of needles are coming back. i don't mean syringes though, those i'm cool with but THOSE FUCKING BUTTERFLY NEEDLES THEY USE WHEN YOU GET A BLOOD TEST. wait actually i don't think i'm cool with syringes either. oh lord it's solid metal pushing through the layers of your skin to inject chemicals into your system to prevent you from dying. and the butterfly ones, they shove up the sensitive crook in your arm, through layers of skin and tissue to find one vein they take blood from. not to mention the sound the blood makes when it hits the vial. urgh i'm feeling weak. i remember once last year (aka the year of a thousand blood tests aka How I Temporarily Managed To Get Over My Fear The First Time) the dude taking my blood made a joke about how my vein was a worm or something and i had this horrible mental image of a blood-filled worm inside my arm just minding it's own business when suddenly this sharp piece of metal tears through my skin and stabs the worm and it explodes and some of the blood goes into the needle and the corpse of the worm is left in my system, not to mention the actual impending doom a butterfly needle induces inside my head so i had a panic attack, ran outside and started crying. i've only ever told ONE person about this, and the only other people who know about what happened is the dude who was trying to steal my blood and my mum. although after i hit publish on this post it's probably gonna rise to 10.
goddamn it if there's 4 things i hate/scare me the most in this world, it's butterfly needles or needles of any kinda for that matter, the dark, the word "placenta"(that word doesn't scare me, i just hate it) and blood. it's all disgusting. all of it. i tried explaining this to my mum once but she told me my ideas were stupid and went back to cooking dinner. so of course i made the mistake of going and ploping onto my bed staring up at the ceiling and thinking about those 4 things plus dinner.
i ended up having this mental image that dinner was the 4 things i hated the most in the world. the plate was made out of darkness and everything else was either drink or the soup i was supposed to be eating. i couldn't get it out of my head so when i had to actually sit down and take my iron pills before eating dinner i felt sick (you'd be surprised at how much iron pills tastes like sandy, plastic blood) and when it came to actually eating i took one sip, looked at the soup, saw what was in my head and went to try and throw up in the toilet. i ended up throwing up on the floor of the bedroom. for some reason this voice in my head was like "the feeling will go away if you go into your room" so i did and YOU LIE, VOICE IN MY HEAD. JUST LIKE THE TIME YOU TOLD ME I HAD PLENTY OF TIME TO SLEEP THAT ONE TIME I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING AND I TRIED TO GO TO SLEEP AGAIN AND FOUND IT WAS FUCKING MONDAY. FUCK YOU VOICE IN MY HEAD.
oh wait that's another thing. i think my voices are trolling me or something. i kept seeing who i call "Bad People" today when i went out with my friends and it took all my sanity not to turn the other way and run as fast as i could in the opposite direction.
but that my friends, is another story.
goodbye.
-Renee
also i think my fear of needles are coming back. i don't mean syringes though, those i'm cool with but THOSE FUCKING BUTTERFLY NEEDLES THEY USE WHEN YOU GET A BLOOD TEST. wait actually i don't think i'm cool with syringes either. oh lord it's solid metal pushing through the layers of your skin to inject chemicals into your system to prevent you from dying. and the butterfly ones, they shove up the sensitive crook in your arm, through layers of skin and tissue to find one vein they take blood from. not to mention the sound the blood makes when it hits the vial. urgh i'm feeling weak. i remember once last year (aka the year of a thousand blood tests aka How I Temporarily Managed To Get Over My Fear The First Time) the dude taking my blood made a joke about how my vein was a worm or something and i had this horrible mental image of a blood-filled worm inside my arm just minding it's own business when suddenly this sharp piece of metal tears through my skin and stabs the worm and it explodes and some of the blood goes into the needle and the corpse of the worm is left in my system, not to mention the actual impending doom a butterfly needle induces inside my head so i had a panic attack, ran outside and started crying. i've only ever told ONE person about this, and the only other people who know about what happened is the dude who was trying to steal my blood and my mum. although after i hit publish on this post it's probably gonna rise to 10.
goddamn it if there's 4 things i hate/scare me the most in this world, it's butterfly needles or needles of any kinda for that matter, the dark, the word "placenta"(that word doesn't scare me, i just hate it) and blood. it's all disgusting. all of it. i tried explaining this to my mum once but she told me my ideas were stupid and went back to cooking dinner. so of course i made the mistake of going and ploping onto my bed staring up at the ceiling and thinking about those 4 things plus dinner.
i ended up having this mental image that dinner was the 4 things i hated the most in the world. the plate was made out of darkness and everything else was either drink or the soup i was supposed to be eating. i couldn't get it out of my head so when i had to actually sit down and take my iron pills before eating dinner i felt sick (you'd be surprised at how much iron pills tastes like sandy, plastic blood) and when it came to actually eating i took one sip, looked at the soup, saw what was in my head and went to try and throw up in the toilet. i ended up throwing up on the floor of the bedroom. for some reason this voice in my head was like "the feeling will go away if you go into your room" so i did and YOU LIE, VOICE IN MY HEAD. JUST LIKE THE TIME YOU TOLD ME I HAD PLENTY OF TIME TO SLEEP THAT ONE TIME I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING AND I TRIED TO GO TO SLEEP AGAIN AND FOUND IT WAS FUCKING MONDAY. FUCK YOU VOICE IN MY HEAD.
oh wait that's another thing. i think my voices are trolling me or something. i kept seeing who i call "Bad People" today when i went out with my friends and it took all my sanity not to turn the other way and run as fast as i could in the opposite direction.
but that my friends, is another story.
goodbye.
-Renee
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