not really been in a good mood lately. my friends have been posting all this stuff as their status and on Google+ and on their blogs and ect of this girl who killed herself due to cyber-bullying and stuff like that. it's really not been that good for me. i found that my imaginary friend (Mercury) is just on the borderline of becoming something that i think might help me but at the same time might be the same thing that sends me to hospital with everyone believing that i've lost my mind. i can't really make decisions right and i keep getting these temperature changes where i feel so insanely freezing cold and then i start crying and suddenly i feel normal or kinda hot and start laughing until i just can't breathe. today i felt like the smallest thing was so insanely painful and sometimes i'd get all light-headed and found out that i was holding my breath. and guess what? out of all the people that notice all the little insignificant shitty things, only one person saw that i was in a HORRIBLE mood today. at lunch i tried to be happier but i am really not sure whether anyone bought that fucking act. if so, watch out Hollywood i'm about to come and kick all your actors' faces in.
every single time i open my mouth no-one seems to listen which sucks, again. my nightmares are playing up so i woke up 5 times last night and just threw off my blankets to try and just get cold since i felt so insanely BOILING. i sometimes just wish those imaginary friends i used to make up in my head for entertainment would come to life and i'd have all these perfect friends who'd see when i was upset and just give me a hug and not feel so awkward about it like my real not-living-in-my-head friends are. i'm over-obsessively listening to Dubstep which is something i only do when i'm really upset. so watch out. i had this nightmare last night where Mercury and i were just running around in this place that didn't even look like it was on Earth because....god, it was so clean. like, no light pollution to block the stars and the flowers were just like BAM. prettier than any artificial flower scientists could dream up. for some reason Mercury just stopped and he said "Bang, Bang" and there was this echo that said something different and he started grinning and running the opposite direction and when i followed him (or tried to anyway) i kept tripping over and i started screaming because something felt just so very very bad and the louder i screamed it was like this bubble was closing in and i felt like i stopped breathing and i woke up and i was half expecting Mercury to just say "hey kiddo, something's up?" then that dumb voice in my head was just like "wake up Renee. he's not real." fuck. fuck. fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
i get so sick and tired of playing Dr. Phill for my friends that when something like that video that initially caused me to get so upset comes along, i kinda just loose it. if i so much as "be too loud in class" i get yelled at, if i listen to music while just walking around with my mum she yells about the dangers of crossing the roads with headphones on because then "i'm blind to the world" or whatever. sucks. and THEN MY MP3 HAD TO GO AND FREAKING KILL ITSELF. not in a good mood at all today. not. at. all.
~next day
holy fuck how mad was i yesterday?! i had a happy dream last night, not involving Mercury but whatever. i woke up 5 times in the middle of the night though, which sucked. i'm feeling heaps better, mainly because the sun was finally out and it was warm. plus i had art today and i painted what was supposed to be this aerial view of this landscape but in my opinion it was like a raging infection inside someone's body...then i drew some monsters and had the song common people stuck in my head and i love that song so i didn't really mind. my friend Angie was quite grumpy today because she had to do this dance thing really late at night and didn't really get much sleep that night....eww i just saw the video for Nicki Minaj's song Pound The Alarm and i just have to say this: Horrible song with a Horrible video clip. for the whole time in the clip, NO ONE IS WEARING CLOTHES. only G-strings and really reviling bras....but then again isn't that just what modern music is coming to? in the 60s wearing midriffs and tights was considered "too much skin" but i doubt.....whatever my ramblings don't make sense anymore. oncoming headache i think is the problem. and dizzy spells. not good, no sir not at all...i need a new mp3. and....
OH MY GOD IT'S 20 PAST 8 AT NIGHT AND I HAVEN'T DONE ANY HOMEWORK AT ALL TODAY OR YESTERDAY. CRAP, NEED TO GO.
~your humble neighbourhood mountain goat~
~next day
holy fuck how mad was i yesterday?! i had a happy dream last night, not involving Mercury but whatever. i woke up 5 times in the middle of the night though, which sucked. i'm feeling heaps better, mainly because the sun was finally out and it was warm. plus i had art today and i painted what was supposed to be this aerial view of this landscape but in my opinion it was like a raging infection inside someone's body...then i drew some monsters and had the song common people stuck in my head and i love that song so i didn't really mind. my friend Angie was quite grumpy today because she had to do this dance thing really late at night and didn't really get much sleep that night....eww i just saw the video for Nicki Minaj's song Pound The Alarm and i just have to say this: Horrible song with a Horrible video clip. for the whole time in the clip, NO ONE IS WEARING CLOTHES. only G-strings and really reviling bras....but then again isn't that just what modern music is coming to? in the 60s wearing midriffs and tights was considered "too much skin" but i doubt.....whatever my ramblings don't make sense anymore. oncoming headache i think is the problem. and dizzy spells. not good, no sir not at all...i need a new mp3. and....
OH MY GOD IT'S 20 PAST 8 AT NIGHT AND I HAVEN'T DONE ANY HOMEWORK AT ALL TODAY OR YESTERDAY. CRAP, NEED TO GO.
~your humble neighbourhood mountain goat~
dude, im sorry, i didnt even KNOW you would hate that vid, like srsly. yeah, i DID know you were sad, and i DID know you were mad at me but really, you THOUGHT I DIDNT CARE?!?! i was trying to talk to you renee, but you kept pushing me away like i would only make things worse and guess what? i did. if i give you a hug, youll just push me away and say that im being stupid, if i don't then you think im inconsiderate. oh and yes, it IS dangerous to cross the road with earphones in. your mum wasnt being naggy, she was caring and trying to protect you from doing stupid things. and yeah, your mood swings are driving me mad... yeah and your random conversations that are to valuable for me to hear and your "go away, you'll never understand" moods. yeah. your moods affect my moods too, yknow they effect nearly everyones in our group.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I have weird (and sometimes disturbing) dreams when I'm upset too. Like one time I was mad at my parents and that night I had a dream that I was in this old house and it had started raining outside and I guess there was a leak or something in the attic 'cause all this water started running down the walls. Then it turned to blood and I wanted to run out of there but I couldn't move.
ReplyDeleteAlso, that Nicki Minaj video is horrible. The song too.
disturbing dreams are, in a sense, fascinating because we don't really know what creates them. what subconscious part of our brain creates these images and so on, but at the same time they do evoke some sense of terror from their viewers, even if as soon as you wake up you remember nothing. that dream that you said you had sounds both fascinating and terrifying.
Deleteand yes, that song is horrible. nicki minaj had some half-decent songs before her music got all corrupted and weird.