Monsters of Men, Patrick Ness and RIP Dennis Avner

first off, i think i should explain the title 

1. Monsters of Men is the name of a book I'm reading right now. it's the 3rd instalment in the Chaos Walking trilogy and so far it's plain magic. 
2. Patrick Ness is the author of the chaos walking trilogy as well as some other books. he is a kick-ass author. 
3. RIP Dennis Avner. some people knew him by his Native American name "Stalking Cat" but the fact is, he spent his life trying to look like a tiger through mass body modifications. and succeeded, in my eyes.

following on from the death of Dennis Avner, when i found out he was dead i started crying. it seems weird, i know but i remember watching him on TV when i was really young and marvelling at his dedication to look like a tiger. he ignited my interest in body modifications and tattoos and i think we'll all remember him even though he's dead. i did an RIP post to him on google + which I'll post as soon as i can. it means a lot to me. for all of those who think they know who I'm talking about or don't know at all, here is a picture of him in all his body modification glory:

rest in peace buddy, you achieved your goal and i pray you'll be in peace in a place where your inner animal instincts will be acknowledged.

oh well, moving on, there's a lot i don't understand about this world. 

a friend of mine has been lead to believe she's fat when she's pretty much...well....not stick thin but she doesn't really have a stomach. 

we live in a society where if a woman doesn't look like a glamorous supermodel every time she walks out her front door she's branded half a million hurtful things behind her back. and we also live in a society where women are told to be careful they don't get raped while instead we should be telling the men not to rape. since when were women categorised into 2 groups? 

the "supermodels" who, no matter what age they are, forever look flawless and ageless, and the stay at home mums who just cook and clean and live the rest of their lives being a nobody even though they claim they love it. 

we're all worrying over what other people think about us when we should take a good long hard look at ourselves in the mirror, and ask that revolting piece of media-fed trash that we all end up looking at "where did i go wrong?" instead of "why doesn't anyone like me?" 

it's not that nobody likes you, it's that you push away all who love you and every single living soul on this planet think that they have no reason to engage in your life if they're gonna be pushed down into deep shit then taken out and shoved aside.

if you want to be left alone, then fine, we'll leave you alone and all you need to do is ask. 

if all you want is someone that "understands" you, then push your boundaries a little further than what they are at this very given moment. you'll find someone when you try. but if all you do is sit in a corner, do nothing and expect someone who is just like you to magically come along and get why you're upset, then honey, you're dead wrong. if you need help ask, because humans weren't created with telepathic powers. we're taught that in primary school when we don't understand a freaking maths question but that mantra doesn't just apply in maths. it applies in everything. 

whew...i don't think anyone will read that but at least those who do will have something to think about. 

dear society, let me tell you something about myself. 

i am a girl who sometimes believes that God or whoever created existence screwed up my gender. my dad wanted a boy but he got me. although i am a girl I'm forever considered by most who know me as "their-guy-friend-who-just-happens-to-be-a-girl." i don't mind this because i know, and they know that it's true. i was once told by my friend mangina that I'm "manlier" than half the guys in his class.

i take photos of graffiti in sewerage and rainwater pipes and in my spare time i draw monsters that are so ugly and fucked up I'm sad for them to even exist because they'll live the rest of their non-living life with no faces, claws for hands and eyes that aren't even eyes. 

i play electric guitar every single day and i don't give a crap whether professionals think i have the wrong technique, just as long as i can make music that i like. i listen to rock music and i despise manufactured artists who are just seen as money magnets by the major labels. i want music to have feelings and emotions behind it, not just dumb meaningless lyrics like "Hey, i just met you, And this is crazy, But here's my number, So Call Me Maybe" that change nothing in this world for the better.

i feel more comfortable talking to guys than girls most of the time (with the exception of my friend circle who are half as messed up as i am) because unlike girls, boys don't care who asked who out to whatever dance or what's the latest music/clothing trend or whatever. all they give a crap about is stuff like rainbow kidneys and dead stuff and mouldy rotten cupcakes. in other words, stuff i can relate to. i can't relate to what girls talk about because i gave up ages ago. 

i don't wear makeup, i didn't wear a dress for 3 years until today when i wore one to a friend's birthday party and i haven't worn a skirt for 2 years. i hate long hair and i don't see the point in covering dead skin cells in conditioner and hoping like hell it looks good. I've never worn short-shorts, a midriff or a tank top because why should i parade myself around like a show-dog for guys who only care about the artificial? if i want a guy or a guy wants me they should like me for my mental state of mind as well as my physical. i don't care how much i like someone, if they like me for my physical being and not my mental state of mind as well they can just go away. 

I'm in love with piercings, tattoos and body modifications because i do believe that it's all a form of self expression and that sometimes, words and clothing aren't enough to tell the world about yourself. sometimes you need to change your physical self to become the you that's hibernating on the inside. 

are you listening? do you know what I'm saying? I'm asking for someone to understand that I'm not a girl who likes every colourful thing in this world, because some of the most beautiful things on this planet are the most fucked up and hated things known to man. i want someone to understand that I'm a girl who almost tiptoes the gender borderline sometimes, and that I'd make a better musician than i ever would any other professional career. hell, I'd make a better husband than i ever would a wife. so listen:

Mercury?

keep calling for me

and I'll keep searching for you.

and i will find you. 

you bet your life on it

I'll find you.

keep calling for me Mercury,

because guess what?

here i come. 

XO - Mountain Goat