not to say my current friends aren't awesome, they all make me feel like the luckiest person in the world, but i realise that i've pretty much never said any of the stuff i say in my blog in real life.
basically, i don't let myself cry. NEVER. it's something i learnt as a kid. a silent defence mechanism, if you will. if they don't see you cry, not once, not never, they won't ever try and take advantage of you. and i don't trust myself to cry a lot in case all the emotions come out at once and suffocate me. normally, i kinda beat myself up a little when i cry because i think to myself "damn, NO. NO YOU CAN'T FUCKING CRY." reflexes you know? not crying's become such a huge part of me i can't find my "off" switch.
anyway, getting back to the title, what i mean by that is none of my friends have had the guts to tear my ribs apart to get into my heart if that makes any sense. they see "normal" me. not necessarily "me" me. i've never had a friend who can instantly tell when something's wrong with me, and i've never really had a friend who i can just lean on and use their shoulder as a pillow, because for all these year's I'VE been the pillow. no-one's ever let me just.....i dunno cry into their lap or something. not literally, that'd be breaking my "no crying" rule but you get what i mean. the only person who's really hugged me in a long time is my brother Jackson but he lives ages away and i don't wanna seem all grabby when i meet up with him.
i think the main reason why i don't have what i consider a "best" best friend is because i live nowhere near any of my friends. i always live a minimum of a suburb and a half or so away from them. all of them. maybe it's because i'm not really that open with my "real" feelings about stuff or something but i still feel like a shell on and off when i go to school. and it makes me physically tired. i collapsed once and ended up scraping my face. didn't want to get back up. it made me feel sick so i threw up. it was horrible. it has a toll on you. a goddamn toll.
i want my off switch.
i don't want to feel like this.
i really don't but i can't, because i destroyed my off switch.
it's going to take an insanely special person to make me a new one,
but whoever you are, wherever you are, i'm here waiting for you.
can i have a hug? will you let me cry on your shoulder?
can you stop making it hurt so damn much to sleep.
whoever you are please find me because i'm too fucking exhausted to find you.
sorry about that.
but who knows? maybe one day i'll sing you to sleep
some people tell me i have a nice voice, loud, but nice.
one day i'll sing you to sleep and when i wake up they'll be a song waiting for me too.
if it's a pretty song i'll smile but if it's an ugly pretty song i'll sing along with you.
we can sing together and we'll never be cold again.
promise?
i'll protect you.
i swear i will.
XOXO - Renee
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