i blame ms.p for this

Ms P is my drama teacher (if i had known who my classmates were going to be however, i would have never signed up) and she always gets us to do this thing where every week we "discreetly observe" someone going about their everyday life and try to "embrace their character on stage."

there's a few problems with that though.
i'm freaking terrible at "discreetly observing" people and it's more like visual stalking where 90% of the time i get caught. (not sure why though, they must be ninjas or something.)

anyhow the most recent screw up came when i was waiting for my sister to order pizza over in Westfield and i saw this guy with headphones on, tattoos, piercings ect really vigorously eating his food. the amount of concentration was amazing, i tells you. i feel i should mention that he looked really aggressive.

anyhow so there i am, clad in my army jacket and black pants, i didn't have my glasses on unfortunately otherwise i could have avoided the next thing that happened by pulling them up, pretending to squint at something behind the guy, putting them back on, looking really confused and just getting my phone out and doing....something or another.

i was staring at the guy, really getting his "character" memorised when he stopped, looked dead-set straight at me, and just stared back with the most angry "bitch-i-will-murder-your-whole-entire-family" look on his face. i've seen what people like him can do and he sorta reminded me of a wolf (hence why at drama i presented my character as "wolf man") and just stared back and tried like crazy not to blink.

we had a stare off, he stood up, walked right up to me and just said
"kid, let me tells you. you got guts, i see you know how to fight, " (i had bruises on my arms and one on my neck by the way) "but if i ever see you giving me that look again, you'll be dealing with me."

AND WITH THAT HE FREAKING GRABBED MY HAND, SHOOK IT, NODDED ONCE AND WALKED AWAY.

AREN'T THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE WITHIN 10KMS OF MY HOUSE JUST LITTLE RAYS OF FUCKING SUNSHINE?!
HE WAS ON THE NEWS THE NEXT DAY.
TURNS OUT HE WAS A WANTED BIKIE 

quick injection on 3 things

number one: the whole "pageviews" things shows how many pageviews i had in 2008.
...this blog didn't even exist in 2008

number two: i was on the Pierce the Veil website, as usual, agonising over all the nice things i can't have because i con't buy online and i saw that they sold PTV-branded hot-sauce on their website.
well ok then...

number three: i forgot what i originally intended #3 to be but i bought Sempiternal today and i'm pretty stoked about that.

we also got to dissect a fish in science, and played around with numerous animal foetuses.

i was chief cut-up guy and my fish was the cleanest out of everyone. you could see it's organs and everything. everything was so clean until i severed and destroyed everything. it was fun though. unfortunately my friend P felt sick and Lis (who loves animals with every inch of her tiny body) started crying and they both had to leave the class.

i also ran out of medicine, so can't sleep at night.

and i had a dream where i was tied to a pole in a dimension that was completely white, and i saw a few meters away from me, a friend who i won't name because this friend reads my blog and i don't want to distress her. this friend was also tied to a pole, but looked either asleep or unconscious. some person who just looked BAD came over and just gave her a chelesa smile and i couldn't do anything and i was screaming like crazy and trying to wriggle loose but i couldn't and by the end of it her face was all mutilated and terrible and just...not good. i ended up waking up crying and i was in a bad mood for the whole day because i still had to go to school even though i was both scared and shaking really badly.

anyway
bye.

and this is why i never tell my mum when i'm sick

i hardly ever tell my mum when I'm sick. to be honest, half the time i have to physically look sick before my mum notices I'm sick. awhile back I told my mum that it felt like there was something wrong with me and long story short, this time Saturday I'm gonna be hooked up onto some machine to see whether my heart is working ok. and i will be awake the whole time. 

i am so done with my body's shit. 

anyone would find it creepy, i swear they would

i feel like some kind of walking, leaking bloodpack because my nose is bleeding, I'm coughing up blood and the weird scar/scratch mark thingies down my chest are breaking apart so there was blood all over my pyjama shirt this morning. the scars annoy me the most though because I'm not even 100% sure they ARE scars but sometimes they just.....break and there ends up being 7 lines of blood down whatever shirt i happen to be wearing at the time. then they heal up, break, bleed, heal and ect. i honestly can't be bothered to fix it because it probably involves skin grafts and surgery or something and I'm not cool with that at all. 

i'm just imagining something; in El Salvador, every morning, some dude on a bicycle rides down the street ringing the bell to alert people he's there so they can come out and buy bread or something like that from the basket on the front of his bike. i'm just thinking what would happen if i did that down my street offering up my blood. they'd probably think i'm crazy and send me to a mental institution or something. ah well. 

that actually reminded me of the time that creepy dude down the street asked me whether i knew where he could donate blood. RNSH is 20 minutes south. i can't believe he missed that. 

my hands are infected. it is no longer one hand but both. bandages and medicine don't help so again, i give up. if they end up rotting off or something i can tell people who i hate that i'm secretly a zombie and if they touch me they'll be infected too. or i can rub infection on them. not sure whether they'll get sick but it'll be fun to see how they try and disinfect themselves. 

god that's morbid. erase that from your memory. now. 

go. 

go.

on a final note, they switched my medication from tablet form to liquid. i hated the tablet form so i didn't take it which resulted in me becoming quite sick and unable to balance myself properly when walking, standing, ect. my skin went white and my nails were flaky and thin. immune system was almost non-existent and i was almost always sick one way or another. so. recovery time.

-Renee 

i think it's called an opposite reaction

instead of making me feel sad, ASOTM is making me feel insanely angry.

i really should go play guitar now. 

let me explain to you, a thing

when it comes to fire, i know everything. i know what kind of oil makes it burn brighter, stronger, which ones make it flare then die down and etcetera. i know how to make a match burn quick with no fuel other than the match and i've burned myself horribly in the process a million times to know what to do. so it kinda pisses me off that my sister suddenly wants to burn everything in sight, making the house smell like shit by burning stuff like newspapers and sheets of printing with ink on it and me getting blamed for it. and on top of that she boasts about it at school and acts like she's different and special or something. burning things and playing with fire, to me, is an art form. if she's gonna use oil as a fuel, i'd very much appreciate that she DOESN'T USE LAVENDER OIL BECAUSE THAT STUFF STINKS and when she blows out the candle, direct the smoke towards the window so that the smell doesn't get trapped inside.

we had this lockdown procedure today as a drill for if a gun-wielding mass-murderer ever tries to come into the school and what happened was that we had to close the blinds, turn off the lights and crawl under the tables. i was stuck with lia, marie, yvonne and anna under 6 tables. the way that the tables are arranged makes it so that there's this one big table of 6 people and i was under the tables with them. most of the girls were talking which really pissed me off because chances are, if Ms H hadn't told us it was a drill, they still wouldn't have taken it seriously. we had science next period and i found out that my science teacher taught my sister's class during the period with the lockdown so i asked whether she freaked or stayed calm or whatever and Ms M just said "your sister was on her laptop the whole time." needless to say it kinda irritated me how when we got home all my sister could say was that all the other girls were taking pictures of their friends and stuff during the lockdown and how much it apparently annoyed her. 

marie almost got a blood infection. kinda made me sad so i tied up her bandages during 5th period. what happened is that she had mild eczema, scratched it and got dirt in it or something during her baseball practise and it got infected. i have eczema myself so i understand completely when she said that scratching is like a temporary relief until it starts burning. ALTHOUGH FOR ME IT'S MORE LIKE IF I DON'T PUT MEDICINE ON MYSELF EVERY SINGLE DAY ON ALMOST EVERY PART OF MY BODY IT FEELS LIKE I AM CONSTANTLY ON FIRE. but then again i do like fire so i guess that's ok.

also i think my fear of needles are coming back. i don't mean syringes though, those i'm cool with but THOSE FUCKING BUTTERFLY NEEDLES THEY USE WHEN YOU GET A BLOOD TEST. wait actually i don't think i'm cool with syringes either. oh lord it's solid metal pushing through the layers of your skin to inject chemicals into your system to prevent you from dying. and the butterfly ones, they shove up the sensitive crook in your arm, through layers of skin and tissue to find one vein they take blood from. not to mention the sound the blood makes when it hits the vial. urgh i'm feeling weak. i remember once last year (aka the year of a thousand blood tests aka How I Temporarily Managed To Get Over My Fear The First Time) the dude taking my blood made a joke about how my vein was a worm or something and i had this horrible mental image of a blood-filled worm inside my arm just minding it's own business when suddenly this sharp piece of metal tears through my skin and stabs the worm and it explodes and some of the blood goes into the needle and the corpse of the worm is left in my system, not to mention the actual impending doom a butterfly needle induces inside my head so i had a panic attack, ran outside and started crying. i've only ever told ONE person about this, and the only other people who know about what happened is the dude who was trying to steal my blood and my mum. although after i hit publish on this post it's probably gonna rise to 10.

goddamn it if there's 4 things i hate/scare me the most in this world, it's butterfly needles or needles of any kinda for that matter, the dark, the word "placenta"(that word doesn't scare me, i just hate it) and blood. it's all disgusting. all of it. i tried explaining this to my mum once but she told me my ideas were stupid and went back to cooking dinner. so of course i made the mistake of going and ploping onto my bed staring up at the ceiling and thinking about those 4 things plus dinner.

i ended up having this mental image that dinner was the 4 things i hated the most in the world. the plate was made out of darkness and everything else was either drink or the soup i was supposed to be eating. i couldn't get it out of my head so when i had to actually sit down and take my iron pills before eating dinner i felt sick (you'd be surprised at how much iron pills tastes like sandy, plastic blood) and when it came to actually eating i took one sip, looked at the soup, saw what was in my head and went to try and throw up in the toilet. i ended up throwing up on the floor of the bedroom. for some reason this voice in my head was like "the feeling will go away if you go into your room" so i did and YOU LIE, VOICE IN MY HEAD. JUST LIKE THE TIME YOU TOLD ME I HAD PLENTY OF TIME TO SLEEP THAT ONE TIME I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING AND I TRIED TO GO TO SLEEP AGAIN AND FOUND IT WAS FUCKING MONDAY. FUCK YOU VOICE IN MY HEAD.

oh wait that's another thing. i think my voices are trolling me or something. i kept seeing who i call "Bad People" today when i went out with my friends and it took all my sanity not to turn the other way and run as fast as i could in the opposite direction.

but that my friends, is another story.

goodbye.

-Renee 

WHAT. TUMBLR, NO. WHY?!

7 YEARS.
IT'S BEEN 7 YEARS.
AND THIS POPS UP ON MY DASH AND.
NO. YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I ADMIRED THIS LOVELY MAN AS A KID.
tumblr_moe7zp2NXt1r0wqrdo1_500.jpg (490×735)

TUMBLR YOU AREN'T ALLOWED TO MAKE ME FEEL SAD
YOUR POWERS HAVE NO EFFECT ON ME.
YOUR POWERS-
FUCK THIS IF YOU NEED ME I'LL BE CRYING IN A CORNER EATING ICE-CREAM.

lovely friends, do not judge me

righty-o.
as a few handful of people know, my absolute dream guitar that, if you handed to me and said i could keep it forever, would result in me loving you forever and giving up my first born child as thanks, is the Epiphone Wilshire Phant-o-Matic. (that sentence made no sense but moving on,) the only reason i have tried hard in all my subjects is to please my dad so he'll buy it for me as he promised and loosing my composure for second,
HOLY FUCK
OMGOMGOMGOMG
EMERALD GREEN ALL THE WAY HONEY IT'S GONNA BE MINE AND I JUST
OH LORDY
ASDFGHJKLKJDNSKDJ
AT THE RISK OF SOUNDING LIKE A SPOILT BRAT
DAD'S GONNA BUY IT FOR ME AND I'M SO HAPPY YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE LIKE :DDDDDDD HAPPY.

haha yeah dad's gonna get it for me because i've been practising very very very hard on music and in my school so yeah. it's gonna be mine so soon *makes grabby hands*

so i was looking as some sweet-as guitars and when i do that i tend to go into zone mode. i had the Phant-o-Matic on screen, was looking at all the things that made it great, when i felt something warm on my hand. at first i thought "oh shit come on did i forget to spit up some more blood" but then it turned out....i was kinda drooling over guitars again. literally.

oh well.
i bought a new T-shirt and jeans today and they match so, bonus. i also got some chocolate and nail polish and ran into my friend Angela and we had this whole "reunion" thing in the middle of the road. but then we had to finish crossing because...you know, otherwise we'd be hit by cars when the lights turned green again. i don't really wanna go splat. anyhow so i dragged angie over to Westfield and had some lunch while talking to her so that was fun. good to catch up with friends :D

i also have a strange new respect for techno music.
not the full blown dubstep kind but if you google the Celldweller remix of "Propane Nightmares" by Pendulum, i kinda listen to stuff like that.

it's cold, 8:45pm and i need to go pack my backpack for school tomorrow.
oh and i also changed my Tumblr URL to silent-halls-with-nameless-faces.
it's a Bring Me The Horizon lyric.

goodnight
xo - a very hipster-looking Renee.

and when i say hipster i mean the kind that listens to Bob Dylan and use Myspace and goes to art galleries and dress in sweaters and stuff.
not the slutty 16 year old kind of hipter.
i hate those.